Repair Attempts That Work | Gottman Couples Therapy Utah County
A moment I see all the time in couples therapy
A couple sits down in my office, and before we even get into the details, I can feel it: the engine is already revving. One small comment becomes a sharp turn. The tone changes. Eyes narrow. Shoulders lift. The argument starts rolling downhill like a shopping cart with a wobbly wheel.
And then—sometimes—it happens. One partner pauses and says, “I’m coming in hot. Can we restart?” Or they soften their face and reach for a hand. Or they crack a tiny, kind joke that doesn’t minimize the issue, but does remind them: we’re on the same team.
That moment is a repair attempt.
In Gottman Method couples therapy, repairs are the “hand on the brake” during conflict. They don’t erase the problem. They stop the skid long enough for two people to find each other again. If you and your partner feel stuck in instant escalation, repair attempts can be one of the most practical, hope-forward skills you learn—especially here in Utah County, where many couples are juggling work stress, family demands, and not enough rest.
What are “repair attempts”
Repair attempts are small words or actions that try to reduce tension and reconnect during conflict. They are bids for safety, teamwork, and a reset.
They can sound like:
“Can we take a breath?”
“I’m sorry—let me say that differently.”
“I love you. I’m not your enemy.”
They can also be nonverbal:
A softened tone
A gentle touch (when welcome)
A brief pause and exhale
A step back from the edge
Repair attempts are not:
A way to “win” an argument
A demand that your partner drop their feelings
A band-aid for patterns like contempt, chronic stonewalling, or ongoing betrayal
A substitute for accountability (“I said sorry, so we’re done.”)
A good repair says, “I care about us, even while this is hard.”
Why repairs fail under stress
(and why that’s not a character flaw)
If repair attempts feel like they “never work” in your relationship, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re doing it wrong. Often it means your nervous systems are overwhelmed.
Here are three common Gottman-informed reasons repairs fail:
Flooding: when your body hits the alarm button
When you’re flooded, your body acts like there’s danger—heart rate up, muscles tight, breathing shallow, tunnel vision. In that state, the brain becomes less flexible. You can’t access your best language or listening.
In plain terms: your body is yelling “storm,” even if the problem is “discussion.”
Defensiveness: when the conversation turns into a courtroom
Defensiveness is the reflex to protect yourself from blame—explaining, counterattacking, listing evidence. It’s understandable. It’s also the quickest way to miss the repair your partner is trying to make.
In plain terms: you start building a case instead of building a bridge.
Negative sentiment override: when everything sounds like an insult
When you’ve been hurt repeatedly (even in small ways), your brain starts filtering your partner through a “they don’t care” lens. Neutral comments feel critical. Repairs feel fake. Kindness feels suspicious.
In plain terms: you’re taking the same exit over and over—straight into the ditch—even when there was another turn available.
The goal isn’t to shame these reactions. The goal is to notice them and build a better off-ramp.
10 repair attempts that actually work
A repair attempt works best when it’s clear, short, and paired with a behavior change (even a small one). Here are options I commonly teach couples:
1) The “restart”
“Can we do a do-over? That came out wrong.”
“I want to try that again with a softer tone.”
2) Name the pattern, not the person
“I think we’re doing the spiral again.”
“We’re getting stuck in the same loop.”
3) A simple ownership line
“You’re right—I got defensive.”
“I raised my voice. I’m sorry.”
4) Ask for teamwork
“Can we be on the same side for a minute?”
“I want to solve this with you, not against you.”
5) The “one step closer” question
“What would help you feel safer right now?”
“What do you need from me in this moment?”
6) Agree on the goal
“We both want respect. We both want to feel heard.”
“We’re trying to protect the relationship, even if it looks messy.”
7) A gentle time-out request (with a return plan)
“I’m getting flooded. Can we take 20 minutes and come back at 7:30?”
“I need a break so I don’t say something I regret. I’m coming back.”
8) Validation without surrender
“I can see why that would hurt.”
“That makes sense, even if I see it differently.”
9) The “tiny appreciation” anchor
“I appreciate you talking about this.”
“Thank you for sticking with me.”
10) Humor that bonds (not sarcasm)
“Okay, we’re both gripping the steering wheel. Can we loosen our hands?”
“I think we just missed the ‘calm conversation’ exit.”
A simple repair protocol you can practice at home
If you want repairs to work more often, it helps to have a repeatable plan. Here’s a protocol I teach in Gottman-informed work:
Step 1: Notice the early signs
Name your cues: tight chest, fast speech, interrupting, rising volume, eye-rolling, shutting down.
Step 2: Call the pause (kindly and clearly)
Use one sentence:
“I’m getting flooded. I need a 20-minute break.”
Step 3: Confirm the return time
This matters. Without it, a break can feel like abandonment.
“Let’s come back at 7:30 and finish.”
Step 4: Regulate separately (no rehearsing your argument)
During the break: walk, breathe, drink water, stretch, cold splash, step outside.
Try to avoid texting your case or building your closing statement.
Step 5: Re-enter with a repair + a softer start
“Thank you for giving me the break. I’m here.”
“I’m sorry for snapping. Let me try again.”
Step 6: Each person shares one sentence of core feeling + one request
Keep it simple:
“I felt dismissed. I need you to slow down and look at me.”
“I felt criticized. I need reassurance before we problem-solve.”
Step 7: Validate one piece (even small)
“I get that. That makes sense.”
Step 8: Choose the next right step
Not “solve everything.” Just one step:
“Tonight we’ll decide the budget number. Tomorrow we’ll talk about the trip.”
This is how you trade a storm for shelter—one small, repeatable move at a time.
Two quick vignettes from my MFT chair
Vignette 1: The laundry fight that wasn’t about laundry
A couple (composite example) comes in from Lehi. Their fights start with chores and end with “You never” and “You always.” In session, we slow it down. Underneath the laundry is a deeper fear: I’m alone in this.
We practice a repair:
“I’m starting to feel alone. Can you come closer for a second?”
He tries it at home. She tears up—not because the laundry changed, but because the meaning changed. The argument stops being a verdict and becomes a request.
Vignette 2: The shutdown after a rough tone
Another couple (composite example) from Orem has a pattern: she gets louder, he goes quiet. He isn’t trying to punish—his nervous system is overwhelmed. We build a time-out repair with a return time and a script:
“I’m not leaving you. I’m flooded. I’ll be back at 8:10.”
The first time he uses it, she still feels the sting. But when he returns—on time—and starts with, “I’m here, and I care,” the old story loses a little power. Over weeks, the repair becomes believable.
What to do if your repair attempts are rejected
Sometimes you reach out and your partner swats your hand away—verbally or emotionally. If that happens, it doesn’t mean repairs are useless. It means the moment may still be too hot, or trust is still too thin.
Try this:
Don’t escalate the rejection.
Avoid: “Fine, I tried!”
Instead: “Okay. I hear you. I’m going to take space so we don’t make this worse.”Offer a lower-intensity repair.
“I’ll give you room. I’m still here.”
Circle back later with a clean re-entry.
“Earlier I tried to repair and it didn’t land. Can we talk about what would feel better next time?”
Make repairs a daytime skill, not only a nighttime emergency.
Have a calm conversation about what repairs feel supportive versus irritating.
If repairs are consistently rejected no matter how gently you try, that’s often a sign you need help rebuilding safety and goodwill—not because you failed, but because the relationship is carrying too much strain alone.
Safety note: when repair attempts are not the right tool
Repair attempts are for normal conflict and disconnection—not for situations involving intimidation, coercion, threats, stalking, or violence. If you feel unsafe, pressured, or afraid to speak, the priority is safety and support, not “better communication.”
In those situations, I encourage reaching out to local resources, a trusted professional, or a domestic violence support service. You deserve help that takes your safety seriously.
FAQ: Repair attempts and Gottman couples therapy
What is a repair attempt in the Gottman Method?
A repair attempt is a small phrase or action used during conflict to reduce tension and reconnect—like a “reset button” that helps you de-escalate and keep talking with respect.
Do repair attempts work if my partner is really angry?
Sometimes. They work best early—before flooding takes over. If anger is high, a structured break with a return time is often the most effective repair.
What if I’m the one who shuts down (stonewalls)?
If you shut down, you likely need regulation first. A repair can sound like: “I’m flooded and I need 20 minutes. I will come back.” The key is returning when you said you would.
Can repair attempts feel fake or cheesy?
Yes—especially if your relationship has been tense for a while. Start with simple, honest repairs (“I’m getting defensive”) and let consistency build credibility over time.
When should we consider couples therapy for this?
If fights escalate quickly, repairs rarely land, or you keep repeating the same arguments without resolution, Gottman-informed couples therapy can help you build a shared plan and practice skills with support.
A hopeful ending (without pretending it’s easy)
If you and your partner have been stuck in escalation, I want you to hear this clearly: struggle does not mean you’re doomed. It often means your relationship needs better tools and more support under stress. Repair attempts are not magic words—they’re small bridges. And bridges are built one plank at a time.
If you’re in Utah County—Saratoga Springs, Lehi, American Fork, Pleasant Grove, Orem, Provo, or Spanish Fork—and you want help learning Gottman-informed repair skills (and using them when it actually matters), I invite you to reach out. We can talk about what’s been happening, what you’ve tried, and whether working together is a good fit.
